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1.You will never
again sleep past 4:00 a.m. Like a wolf, an Aby
feels that predawn is the hour to hunt (but then he also
hunts on and off all day). The problem is that he needs you
to help him find his prey. At first he may just stand over
your head and stare at you, but soon he'll develop a heavy
purr. Only the extremely naive will suppose that the purr
expresses devotion. If you have not responded within a
reasonable time, he may begin to nibble at your nose or toes.
Occasionally he'll burrow into your hair and try to get some
of it between his teeth. Within thirty minutes you will be
in the kitchen, can opener poised.
2.You'll never eat alone.
Even if you are eating food the cat doesn't like(in my
experience, only grapefruit), he will develop a taste for
it. He will steal anything in the pot or on the plate --
from croissant to steak or corn on the cob -- and drag it to
whatever place he considers his lair. You will never be able
to sit through a meal when an Aby is nearby. Fortunately,
they don't mind being removed to another room. Unfortunately,
this action never inspires reform.
3.You will have to sneak in
and out of your home like a criminal. This is
to prevent your Aby from running away. When I open my front
door to greet visitors, I clutch my Aby in my arms. No doubt
my visitors now talk behind my back about my neurotic
attachment. It's actually self-defense. To my shame, my Aby
has been known to flee into strangers' apartments and hide
under their beds. He has rushed into the elevator and
descended alone to the lobby. On one horrible night, without
my knowing it, he slid through a partially open window to
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